The Mirror in Me
by Baby Darth Dalloway
Summary: A one-shot in the POV of Emily as she sorts through her complicated feeling for Alison at the winter ball. It's easy to choose the simple person, but sometimes loving the person you're meant to be with is not easy. EMISON. Spoilers if you haven't seen the promo yet only! R&R Please and thank you!


The Mirror In Me

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><p>"<em>People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention, so you can change your life." – Elizabeth Gilbert<em>

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><p>Dancing is easy. Even when it's with another girl, you can divide your styles as easily as a gender dichotomy, to simplify matters. Dancing can be really easy when you make the partners fit together, like two puzzle pieces. It makes it all easy really, not just the dancing part, but the rest of the world too. Dancing with Paige is easy.<p>

Her arm is wrapped around my waist, and she makes me feel like a lady, even though I wear flannel more often than not and have killed a man before. But being with Paige makes everything easy. I'm one facet of a multi-dimensional person. I play one role, act one way, being Paige's girlfriend. It's very easy.

It's easy to be with the person who stands for justice, who is righteous. It's easy to be with the girl who sees things in black and white, good or bad, or right or wrong. It's easy to live in a world like that too. Paige is the good guy, the knight in shining armor. She stands for truth, she wants to protect me, she wants to run off to California to live in a perfect world with a perfect life. God, being with Paige is so easy, and could be so easy. She makes it very simple.

Living in her world is easy too, this black and white construction she's built around us and our relationship. Paige is the good guy, the fighter, the one who has loved me since before I even met her. Paige is the good guy, and Alison is not. Alison is the bad guy, the evil one, the master manipulator in a sea of innocent people. Alison is evil and Paige is not. It's so easy to live in Paige's world, to sway to the music in her arms, to believe that things are not as complicated as they really are. Being with Paige is easy, and if I were to be with Alison? Well, it would be anything but.

Being with Alison Dilaurentis, friend, lover or other? That is not easy. Believe me. I've been all three roles and I'm still suffering the whiplash. Alison Dilaurentis is opposite of easy. Everything about her screams difficulty.

Trying to be Ali's friend, attempting to extricate the truth from her, hell even loving Alison, is hard. In fact, loving her has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. Loving Alison is not at all easy.

But god… does that make it wrong?

The music is slow and it's sweet being here with Paige. She really would do anything for me. Paige loves protecting me, being there for me, catering to me. I'm the princess to her prince, the two of us on an adventure she has thought out in her mind time and time again I'm sure.

First we'll graduate high school, then we'll go to California and I'll cheer for her at Stanford. Soon after we would graduate, her having some big shot corporate job and we'd move to San Francisco like every other lesbian cliché. Then we'd settle down, buy a house, the sex would eventually start to dwindle and we'll spend years trying to adopt or do the artificial insemination piece. I know I'll have to carry our kids because I'm the more feminine one, the one who needs protecting, the one who fits into the role she has carefully designed to fit her needs, her wants, her life exactly. Being with Paige would be easy, as any predictable life would be. I fit into Paige's story perfectly. The question I've struggled with so much lately though, is, does she fit into mine?

I know Alison isn't easy. I'll never pretend that she is, and that's the key, isn't it? I know Ali, through and through. I may never know what she is planning, may be shocked about something she does, but I always expect the unexpected from her. I don't need to know the details, because I know the person, the habits, the story. I know her like the back of my hand, and she knows me just as deeply. If Ali thought Ben was mushy squash, well, I can only imagine what she thinks of the girl she named "Pigskin."

To live a life with Ali? It's already been proven being with Alison would never be easy. She'd never let me settle and sit back; she would push me. I'd never just be a cheerleader in her life; I'd have to actually be a player too. Alison knows I'm sensitive and would protect me ferociously, but she also would make me stand up for myself. Alison would never make me carry the babies. She would know it's a conversation we both would share, probably fight over too.

Being with Ali wouldn't take me to San Francisco, we'd never be a cliché, and she would surprise me with spontaneous trips to Paris when I'm in the middle of a work deadline. Alison would fight on every detail, would never apologize for insulting someone, and she sure as hell wouldn't see me as a one-dimensional body. She knew I had more depth before anyone else realized it. Alison can see what I want, who I am… Alison can really see me.

And she hates that too, because while she can see me, while she can push me unlike anyone else and drive me completely mad, I know I do it to her too. She can't stand not having complete control, especially now that I've learned not to give it all to her. She hates me being in love with anyone but her, she hates when I give her a disappointing look, and she definitely hates it when she knows I'm truly, deeply angry with her on something. Alison gets driven mad too. It at least lets me know she cares.

People around the room start moving, rearranging, and I feel Paige shift to look up at the top of the stairs, to which my eyes follow. And there Alison is, not making my life any easier. She seems to be an expert at that.

She has a posse of followers, of course to hurt all of us, and I know I do feel it sting. Her eyes flicker over the crowd, and I notice her reach Paige and I, and just for a second, they stop, before continuing her search. I let go of Paige, something I know she notices but would never admit. Paige can never admit that I love Ali, because she would have to admit how imperfect I am, how gray my life is, how complicated things are. Paige likes to keep things simple, easy, and me? That hasn't been my life for a long time now, and even when it was, I know it was a lie.

I walk down the steps of the dance floor with the other girls, my eyes glued to Ali. How she manages to command that much respect and attention, and present with such authority and power, I will never understand. But she does it, so gracefully, as if her presence sends out an automatic spray of pixie dust leaving everyone transfixed.

She's proving her point to us right now, to everyone in the room really, but myself and the girls especially. We're replaceable, she's saying, just like how we replaced her, having Mona be the one on our side. This is Ali's point. She does not need us in order to survive, and it really does sting. I don't let my face show it though. I won't give that to her, not now.

But as I look up at Ali, in all her glory, I understand one very important thing. Living a life with Alison in it has never been, is currently not, and will never be, easy. It's messy, wild, sometimes wrong, but that's Ali. That's what I love about her, the soft part she hides and the wild side she leads with. I know I'll never meet another person like her, and I don't need to. She's enough.

It's always safe with Paige, and of course she comes to my side, arm sliding across my lower back to wrap around my waist protectively. Paige wants me to be her girl, her partner, the pretty and dainty housewife in a cute high school love story. And maybe I would have been that girl had Ali never been in my life. Maybe I would have been a pushover, settling for the easy life, the easy person, fitting together with barely any strife.

But everything has changed over the last several years, me especially. Paige doesn't challenge me, and more often than not, hates being challenged. Ali on the other hand? She can't be with someone who isn't equal to her. She'd toss them aside in a second. Alison doesn't do easy, she doesn't even like the word. Complicated, interesting, mysterious, Alison loves them all. Being with Alison would never be easy.

It would be the adventure of a lifetime.

As Alison finishes descending the stairs and making her rounds, I kiss Paige on the cheek and tell her I need the restroom, not being able to handle it anymore. Walking away, I can almost feel Ali's eyes on my retreating form, and I'm sure she's satisfied about twisting the knife in just the right way. But that's Ali for you. Like I've said, I am shocked by some of the things she does. I'm never really surprised though.

I decide to go outside instead, knowing Paige would soon follow to the bathroom to check up on me. I walk out slowly, my arms are crossed and trying to provide some comfort and warmth to my now shivering body. I look up into the sky and I pause. I take everything in.

I never want to be like my mother. I love her, I love both of my parents, but I never want to be trapped like her, creating a world that is simple and labeled and organized to the tee. That is not my life. That's not even me. And while everything that we have gone through has been horrific, I also know that I won't be able to go back.

What I've learned, what I've seen? You never forget. My life is one that movie screens could depict. I know I've really lived.

Going back to a simple life, a quiet one, one where I am just somebody's girlfriend and the sidekick to their story? No. I'll never go there again.

Alison would never make it easy, but that's why I love her. I love her for who she is, for the multiple layers, the chaos she holds inside. Loving her will never be easy, and it has been deeply painful at times. She brings out so much in me, and I in her. I really do love her, even when some of her actions have been unforgiveable. I still don't know if she's A, but it wouldn't surprise me if she was. It also wouldn't surprise me if she wasn't.

Alison is a complex person in a world that tries to make it simple, and I love her for it. I'm in love with her. I don't know how to be though. Like I've said, it's not easy.

I hear the door creak, Paige must have found me and is coming to check on her little lost lamb. I take a deep breath and put on a fake smile, getting ready for the questions.

"I'm okay Paige, really."

"That fake smile gets less convincing each time I see it."

I freeze whip my head around, Alison staring smugly, her own arms wrapped around herself as she approaches. She's always surprising me, but again, I'm not surprised she would do something like this. It's always an adventure with Ali.

"What do you want Alison?" I try to muster as much disdain in my voice as I can, looking back up at the stars and trying to show my impatience for her, not letting her see what I feel. I hear her chuckle.

She closes the gap between us with each step until she's an arm's length away from me, and she pauses, taking in my face, my eyes refusing to meet hers. I see her head shift down and shake, and she turns it to watch the stars with me, staying silent too.

"I never thought you would stop loving me. The other girls, I wasn't surprised. But you…"

She drifts off, and I shift my gaze to look at her fully, her face still turned to the sky.

"I never thought you would give up on me."

She turns to look at me now, her face angry, hurt, like she was the last time we were together in my bedroom. I shake my head at her and unfold my arms, going around her to go back inside.

I pause with my back to her, and I hate myself for doing it. Sometimes I can't stop myself when it comes to Alison. She never makes it easy.

"Just so we're clear Alison," I begin, my face turned and I see her shift in surprise to look at my back.

"I'll never give up on you. I'll always hope for you."

She keeps staring at me, attempting to read my face, which finally look up to stare back at hers fully. I breathe out deeply through my nose.

"You don't make it easy though."

We stay staring for a little longer, the cold air finally getting to me. I finally turn and walk back into the building, shutting the door behind me.

If there's one thing that the last several years have taught me, it's that you never know what will happen. There's always something new right around the corner. I still don't know where the rest of us are going or how this journey will end, but I do know I still love Alison. I guess I now know why loving someone isn't easy.

FIN

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><p>HI EVERYONE! :D<p>

Oh gosh, where to begin… Firstly, I apologize for this very rough piece. I've been out of the writing zone for a while, this came to me last night and after watching some new previews today, and I just wanted to get some stuff up. I'm sorry it's so introspective/ moody, but that's kind of my headspace right now.

The reason I wrote this was also largely due to a few lessons in love I have learned about lately, but also my belief that Paily is completely overrated. I have said this before and I'll say it again. I think Paige wants Emily to be the girl she's always had goo-goo eyes for and is out of touch with who Emily really is. I think Alison and Emily were friends first, know each other deeply, accept the flaws and all, and while their relationship is not simple or easy or whatever, that doesn't make it wrong. It should definitely be healthier, and I think it would be in time, but all of these Xmas previews have been such an Emison bummer for me, so I needed to write some Emily musings to articulate how I feel she sees both of her lovers.

Anywho! I don't know when I'll be writing again. I am still on hiatus, but with the way things are shifting lately, I hope to get back on the writing train soon. It might not be till 5b premieres because watching new episodes, interacting on Tumblr, and being in the PLL zone with new episodes each week gives me WAY more inspiration/ puts me in the PLL mood. But anywho.

Oh, and an update. If I write "one-shot" that means one chapter. People keep asking for updates on finished pieces and I'm like…..

I've been known to extend one-shots, but that's always at random and by my choice. Other than that, I know I still have my list to finish, it will get finished in time, but that time won't be for a while. There are plenty of wonderful and amazing fics to read.

Thanks for reading if you did! I intentionally used the word "easy" a million times, so don't bother pointing that out in reviews, unless you want to say you hated it, haha. Other than that, I really appreciate reviews. They let me know if you like my writing and actually want more.

Until next time!


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